Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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