So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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