Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
