it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
