One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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