nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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