if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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