Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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