alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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