I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
