Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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