pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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