I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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