**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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