I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
