My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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