THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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