I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The air was thick with penises
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
