I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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