so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Randomize
