1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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