and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
