sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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