Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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