Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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