went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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