Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
