Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I fill condoms, not promises.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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