What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
