It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
