Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
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it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
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the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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