Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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