I think my vagina is haunted
thus making me awesome and them whores
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
