He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Sorry about my life...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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