Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Enjoy the penises
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
