Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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