I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
