Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
