my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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