i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
