I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
