I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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