Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real