One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
