I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE