I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
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i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Let's paint friendship bongs
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
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He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?