the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
