Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
