There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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