I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
