apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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