went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
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I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
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Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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