New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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