You smell like stripper and shame
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
