i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish you could order shots online.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She even gives head with a lisp.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
