did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
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