watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
i've created a new STD.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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