I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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