Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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