FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
not ubering you a puppy
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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