my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
