how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
