I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
