then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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