I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
