Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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