Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
tell me about the eggs
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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